I can be long winded, but tonight's "Reflection" will probably be the first "Reflection" which serves the major purpose of me doing this to begin with. As I mentioned in one of the very first posts, I have a tendency to bottle in feelings and emotions... and that led to me having panic attacks. I also mentioned that I would try to use these "Reflections" as a way to get it all out. Well, look out... here it comes!
Tonight, I had some problems with my anxiety again. Back when this first started happening, it seemed to be a puzzle, trying to figure out why this was happening. But, I've learned a lot in the last year and a half. As previously mentioned, I frequently bottle in emotions, particularly anger. I also have a fear of rejection, as well as a dislike for confrontation. So why might I have any kind of problems tonight?
Good Question! Here's the scoop. Tonight was the Lenny Kravitz show at Nissan Pavilion. The last Kravitz show I saw was great, and I was really looking forward to this one. But, yesterday (Monday), I found out that Shannon would be there. And I really did not want to run into her.
I have not yet mentioned Shannon in Reflections (nor did I ever intend to), but I think that whole topic could be something that I've bottled in for way too long. So, here's some background. I've known Shannon since I was in high school. And since the first day I met her, I've had a huge crush on her. There was a time in college when I kind of tried to pursue her, but it never really worked out. Basically, she wasn't interested.
And I could deal with that... but I was still interested in her. I tried to get over her. I even remember specifically praying to God one night that I wasn't going to keep asking Him to look after her every night, as I had done for so many nights before. But I asked him one more time that even if I didn't ask every night, that he still look after her anyway.
And I felt so much better... like I had moved on... like my hands were cleaned...
So, we stayed friends. We continued to write each other in college, we'd hang out from time to time during summer breaks. She even organized my "Going Away" party at W-C for when I began my summer internship at B&W. And then I began to feel as though she was using my feelings for her against me.
I can't cite any specific instances, but there were several times when I'd either feel like she was rubbing it in my face taking advantage of my feelings for her. Like she knew I couldn't say no to her under any circumstances. And it got to where I'd not look forward to hearing from her or seeing her -- because I'd feel bad about myself or sad that she wasn't interested back. And I began to distance myself from her. And I began to be able to get angry at her for taking advantage of me.
And then she pisses me off for the last time. And in one short quip, I don't speak to, see, or write to her for over a year. She'd have to know that I was angry if I didn't even write to her.
And a year later, in a moment of weakness, I crack and send her a short message. Well, when Shannon responded to me, I literally blasted her with a rude, mean-spirited email which I wanted to hurt her, just as she had continually hurt me. I never expected to hear from her again. I had burned all bridges and could not possibly be hurt by her again.
And then the funniest thing happened... she responded. I wasn't prepared for that. I never saw it coming! And by her taking the guts to respond and later having the maturity to admit fault, the bridge was back. But it was a much weaker bridge. In fact, I still do not want to speak to her on the phone, nor see her in person. I'm not ready to have to deal with her.
So, when I find out that she's going to be at the Kravitz show, I don't realize it just then, but it bothered the hell out of me. I so didn't want to see her and have to deal with her. I'd be afraid that all of the feelings for her that I had spent years trying to distance myself from would come right back. And i'd have to go through it all over again. I cannot and will not let myself go through any of that because of her again. It hurt too much.
So, about 30 minutes before I had to meet Julia to ride out to Nissan, I begin to feel the comings-on of anxiety. I pop some Pepto pills to hopefully soothe my stomach, make sure that I have some water to cool myself off, and ask Julia if I could drive to prevent any of the previous riding problems.
Well, I fought and fought bravely, and came out ahead. I made it to Nissan safe and sound without having to pull over or go through any of the more severe anxiety symptoms. I used the tools I had learned to prevent the escalation of the anxiety: relaxation exercises, breathing exercises, and distraction.
So, all was well for the show, right? Wrong! A little before Lenny came on stage, I began to notice my stomach tightening up... usually one of the first signs of my impending anxiety. I began to sweat as well. I had bought some food to hopefully alleviate any false stomach anxiety feelings (like confusing hunger or general stomach discomfort for anxiety), and I could not eat any of it. Appetite went to zilch. I couldn't even finish the hard lemonade I had.
Why now? I'm not sure. Maybe by trying so hard not to see Shannon (I intentionally would not look at any redheads so that I wouldn't find her), that I had worked myself up again. At any rate, I spent a good half an hour calming myself down by the picnic table area away from the concert seats. I didn't want to even try to go to the seats and have it be either crowded or hot. Well, after some time, I had calmed down enough to go back to our seats and enjoy what was left of the show.
I did something different this time, though. I spoke about it all to Chris. I told him that I had found out that Shannon would be at the show, and that might be some of the source of my anxiety problems. I felt like I had to get it out. I had briefly mentioned it to Julia... but I hadn't mentioned any of it to Chris. Getting it out had to have helped somewhat.
Luckily, I never ran into Shannon. But, I'm guessing that if she indeed had anything to do with my anxious feelings, then this issue has not been resolved. I'd guess that would mean that eventually I'm going to have to confront her in person. I'm not sure what that would accomplish, since at our present communication level, I don't feel as if she's hurting me (but then again, I don't have positive strong feelings for her either). I still have to figure that all out, I guess.
So... enough emotion for a night? Not quite... Since I caught a ride to the show with Julia ,I really needed to get my stuff from Julia's car since I was riding home with Chris. Well, we meet at Julia's car, and a discussion about relationships ensues. And I am made to look like a jack-ass by both Chris and Julia who totally disagree with my cynical view of relationships. And when Julia asks me later if I saw Shannon, I, in my typical deflecting tone, say something to the effect of "Well, did I?"
I often use this tone and sarcastic type of response when I don't want to deal with the topic at hand. It's not intentional, but I do realize that I do it. Well, Chris calls me on it. He says something like "Well, just tell her... you either did or didn't".... to which I respond, "You guys know me well enough to know what that deflecting tone means". And it basically ended with me telling them all in the tone that a kindergarten teacher would speak to her class "I don't want to discuss it". I felt like more of an ass!
So, I basically just shut my mouth, wouldn't look at either of them, and stayed in the background. And then the discussion progressed to Julia and one of her current relationships. Chris asks her something about sex, and she responded "That's more information than Brian needs to know"!
That comment pissed me off!!!! She had used the same exact comment referring to James in previous conversations with me. This might not be apples to apples and oranges to oranges, but I felt like she had just considered me on the same level as James. I was furious!
And then she answered Chris's question! I was even more furious! It's too much information for me, but she'll tell it to someone whom she's maybe met ten times? Chris isn't a stranger to her, but why in the fuck would you make the comment that you didn't want to say anything in front of me, and then volunteer the information to him? Made no fucking sense to me at all.
I felt this big (squinting to look between miniscule amount of space between my thumb and index finger). And at this point, I'd had enough. I didn't want to talk with any of them, and in fact, was so tired of standing there waiting to leave that I went away from Julia's car and sat down on the ground next to a traffic divider.
I wouldn't speak nor even look in their directoin. I was (and am still) STEAMED!!! After a little while, Julia comes over, kneels down next to me and asks me what's going on? I tell her that I got dizzy (I didn't) and that I needed to sit down. She suggests that maybe it's crowds that cause my problems, and I tell her that the last one (the one I "faked") was because I was angry and kept it in. I told her that I was made to look like a fool for saying what I believed. And she told me, trying to console me, I guess, that it was ok to tell people that I don't want to discuss something.
A few minutes later, she gives us a ride to Chris's car, and I don't tell her thank you or goodnight or anything. I get my stuff out of her car, and set it on the hood of Chris's car, while I put my CD case back in as well as my sunglasses back into the case. Julia pulls away, and then comes back and tells me that since she had to take Anne (Ann?) back to EHS, that I could ride with her if I wanted. That would have saved Chris the extra distance and time. But at this point, i was so pissed at her, I told her I'd ride with Chris. Again, no thank you, no good night, nothing!
So, in summary, here's how I feel right now"
1) Disappointed -- I go from having no anxiety problems for 10 or 11 months to 2 in about 3 weeks.
2) Anxious -- Really didn't / don't want to see Shannon
3) Tired -- Anxiety wears me out... Staying up until nearly 3 am to "get out" my feelings doesn't help either.
4) Angry -- I'm still angry at Shannon. I'm angry at Chris for helping to make me look like a fool in our discussion. I'm angry at Julia for the same, as well as the indirect comparison to James.
5) Let Down -- OK... she doesn't have to tell me anything. But to say that in front of me... and then do it anyway....
I do have another totally separate topic/emotion/bottled-in feeling that I am aware of. I readily admit it. I'm not sure I'm ready to write about it or necessarily confront it just yet, mainly because I'm not sure what the ramifications of doing so would be. I'm also not necessarily prepared to deal with what they might be either.
I'm going to bed. I'm not sure how I'm going to resolve the Shannon situation. But seeing as I had anxiety problems, I probably feel as though I should address the situation in some mannyer. I will discuss with Julia my anger towrards her tomorrow.
I really need to figure out a way to vent my anger. Maybe going to the gym more often would help. RIght now, I feel as if I'd like to spar with a punching bag, though. But I'm sure I'd just end up breaking down and crying. I don't see the point in crying though... it's a temporary release of emoton... but the net effect is zero. The feelings are still there.
Good night!
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