Why? Why not!?!

June 2003 Archives

Why ME?

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It can't be just me... I can't be the only person who just so happens to have this much shit happen to him. It's currently 5:15 am, I've had quite a little to drink, and I can't get to sleep for anything. Why? It just might have something to do with Erin being downstairs in Chris' s room. OK... that's probably all of it.

So, why does this stuff keep happening to me? Do I let it happen? Am I too passive? Am I not aggressive enough? Do I not hold my ground? Or is it that I'm just not attractive, intriguing, or interesting enough to have the opportunities come MY WAY?

Tonight just seems to be a continuation of MY WAYS!

All I had to do is not invite Chris. Would this still be happening? Or would this have not even bothered me? I'm not sure.

So, here's what happened... Around noon, Angela gets an e-mail from Erin, asking if Trevor or I would go out with them. I make a comment to Angela, that Erin only is asking about me because there are no other options. When I make that comment, I'm only half serious. Seems to be true.

Well, Trevor is out of town, and at the time, Chris was going to be at a rehearsal dinner for his girlfriend's sister. Well, Chris shows up at about 9:00, and I ask him if he was interested in hanging out with us. He says that he doesn't have any money but yes, he'd like to hang out. I tell him not to worry about the money, that his drinks would be taken care of. When will I ever learn?

We meer up with Angela and Erin, and all hang out. No interest being shown by ANY parties. And I pay for a few rounds of drinks for everyone, and Chris doesn't pay for a single drink all night. He capitalizes on the idea that Erin wants to see where we live, and invites both her and Angela back for the night. It's pretty much understood that they'd both be spending the night, and returned to their cars in the morning.

So, we get back to our house, Chris fixes pancakes for them, and we all hang out drinking, listening to music, and doing some card tricks. I get a little bit of attention from Erin, but not enough to even get excited by.

Eventually, Angela has decided that she's ready to go to sleep, and I notice that Erin has begun to "doze off", and I suggest that they both go to bed in my bed, while I sleep on the sofa. Next thing you know, Erin is going downstairs with Chris. I'm not happy about this.

Chris knows about the fact that I had kissed Erin, and that I was interested in her, and that she had rejected me. But he went ahead anyway. Oh yeah, he also ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!! What part of this should I be OK with?

I tried to sleep, but that's not happening right now. I'm not happy with the situation. I'm not sure if I should be angry with Chris. I'm fairly certain that Erin is a waste of my time in any regard. I'm just not happy with any of this.

Why should I be? To me, it's almost like a code. If someone "lays claim" to someone, you don't go there -- EVER. It's true, Erin told me that "it's not a good idea" for me to take her out. But can't she be even the least bit considerate that I might not like the idea of her hooking up (or who knows what's happening right now?) with my ROOMMATE?

I have no more respect for Erin. I'd be fine in my life without ever having to see her again. I wouldn't be missing anything (except more false hope).

Is there something that I'm doing that allows this continual hurt to be placed upon myself? Or am I just a victim of bad circumstances? It's no secret that I am (was?) interested in Erin. Hell, she even knows it. I think that's part of the reason why we kissed to begin with -- she knew that it would be a "given". I don't know.

Right now, I'm down. I feel like she either exploited my feelings, or totally disregarded them. Neither situation is very considerate.

If only I could get to sleep... maybe I wouldn't have to think or worry about all of this stupid stuff. At least there's only 2 more weeks of living with Chris -- maybe this will end this kind of situation. Probably not, because it's not his fault.... there has to be something I'm doing to cause this continual, repeated pain.


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This page is an archive of entries from June 2003 listed from newest to oldest.

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