Why? Why not!?!

February 2007 Archives

Mad World

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donnie-darko.jpgAll around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world


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The skies are grey, it's cold, spring hasn't sprung, and I'm unhappy.

Frankly, I'm a little worried.

Today is probably the worst day I've had in QUITE a while with this. When I come into work, and my staff say to me "You look like you're not yourself", and "You look like you've got something on your mind" it all but cemented it for me. I am so lethargic -- I don't want to be anywhere...not at work, not out somewhere, not on a trip to Richmond, not in Atlantic City... I just want to sleep... and it's not that I'm tired.

The last time I felt this way was back when I was having my panic disorder. There were days when I couldn't bring myself to go to work, and when I got there, I couldn't bring myself to function. At least now, I can function at work -- it's not as bad as it was before. But I'm still worried... am I headed down that road again?

See, it's not the anxiety that I'm worried about. It doesn't feel like anxiety is anywhere close to coming back. And if it does, I'm prepared to deal with it again. I'm not worried about anxiety, I'm worried about anxiety's brother -- depression. I don't think that it's a stretch to relate anxiety and depression -- they're treated the same way (both medicinally and in therapy), they both can be explained by both the "nature" and "nurture" side of life, and they both can be side effects of each other. They're so close to each other that they can fuel each other.

So.... last time I felt this way was during my fits of anxiety. I don't have any anxiety right now (at least not in the form of a panic attack). So... just like when I was having my panic attacks, I need to mentally analyze why I feel this way... and more importantly, "HOW I feel".

Yeah, I mentioned that I feel lethargic -- that's not what I mean by "How I feel". What I mean is "Why do I feel that way? What am I feeling that is causing me to feel that way?" It's back to the vicious circuity -- A happens because of B... B makes me feel C.. which causes more of A.

So, why do I feel lethargic? I'm not sure... but here are some guesses. I'm lonely. I moved away from all of my friends and family because of my job. I moved to a place where I know no one. I moved to a part of town that is pretty known for being exciting, happening, and social... and haven't gone out to be a part of it yet. Why? I'll come back to that.

I miss having my poker league, and seeing familiar faces across the felt table. Yeah, the poker was great, but it was also the "social-ness" of the games. I think I've seen where 1 local bar plays "bar poker" on Tuesday nights. I haven't been there to play yet, because of my work schedule (read more about that later). I do play poker online (I've turned $100 into $350 just by playing $5 sit and go's), but it's not the same as talking to the people around you, seeing their moves, and making your own.

So, I moved because of my job.

How do I feel about my job? Mixed feelings. I'm certainly more challenged than I've been in a few years -- that's a good thing. I'm learning the retail side of things, and I'm learning how to run a P&L account instead of a fee account -- again a good thing. I'm getting decent results -- sales are above budget -- that's a sign of success! We're being ambitious in offering new ideas and going above and beyond what the school expects of it. That's a great thing!

The bad parts of my job? I'm not overly enthusiastic about the hours. I've spent so long working late morning to early evening that it's my body's rhythm. Even after 7 months or so, I still don't like (and have trouble with) working mornings. I do have another manager who does work mornings, so it's not as imperative to be there so early anymore... but it still wears on me.

My staff? It's just not the same as it was before. I've always used the "buddy boss" approach to management. At every prior location, I socialized with both peers and subordinates OUTSIDE of work. That's how comfortable we ALL were. I had people to my house... I went to their homes... and we went out together. I'm not sure I even want that relationship with any of my staff. And it's not because of them... it's because I chose to not be the buddy boss.

Being the buddy boss can sometimes lend itself to being taken advantage of, but it's more of my personality. Here... I intentionally came in with the intent of not being the buddy boss. That said... I'm still not the mean, overbearing boss. I have expectations of performance based on all of the other locations. Here, maybe 1/3 of my staff meet those expectations. I don't see any passion in the rest of them. Those people seem like they're just there to pick up a check. Sure, those people exist in every job, and at every level -- but they're typically not the majority.

So... as the "boss", it's my job to inspire that creativity, and to cultivate that passion. And it's simply not happening. I can't get them all to "care". I've tried involving them in some of the decision making, but they don't respond (again, I'm speaking of that 2/3 group). And then some people have the nerve to complain that they're not being given the opportunity to work catering and special events -- just because they have more tenure? Come on! It's because you don't give a shit, and I haven't been able to drag it out of you! Tenure? Big deal! Give me someone who does a good job and shows some pride in doing it any day!

I've got to try some other means of inspiration, or else it'll be time to put the right people in the right seats on the bus. Enough said about that. How can I do that? Maybe I just need to ask for help. My company is great, and will surely assist me with that.

Now, I'm not "throwing anybody under the bus" (which is not a Good to Great line). This is the purest example of why I write these reflections -- getting it all out is good for me, and can even help me solve things. Please also refer to the dangers of writing these reflections -- I'm not intending to "hurt" or put down anyone -- I'm simply getting it out! Keeping things bottled in will only cause things to stir up the point where it has to come out somehow -- for me, it was panic attacks.

Now... there are many more reasons why I'm down. Financial... feelings of being misled... the weather (I simply want to drive around with my top down!), feeling helpless in certain respects, feeling as if I simply "can't" do some things I really want to do in other respects, feelings of lost connections (for someone whom I don't want to "not be in touch with" -- sounding off to her has often been a security blanket, as well as that longing, irrational, unattainable hope for more), and having utter impatience for things to get better.

Now... how to get better? The answer is to start listing the positives that I have going on.. you always see that the positives far outweigh the negatives. I'll get to that soon enough... maybe not even on Reflections. Right now, I just want to feel "down"... at least I'm feeling it. It's when you don't feel it anymore that you're in trouble.

I'm mindful of that... and if I approach that level, I'll attack it, just as I did my anxiety problems... and I'll certainly come out ahead and for the better!


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About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from February 2007 listed from newest to oldest.

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