OK… spring is here in name. How about feeling like spring already?
Anyone reading my posts here (and in a couple of other places) for the last couple of weeks knows that I’ve gone through quite a lot recently. I’m still not ready to totally unload “what happened”, but it’ll happen eventually. Everything I’ve learned in the last few years about my anxiety, like not bottling in my emotions, I’m going to ignore for right now.
I mean, even though I’m feeling terrible and depressed right now, these are feelings that I WANT TO BE GOING THROUGH. Sounds confusing, but there’s definitely some truth to it. No, I don’t want to be upset or depressed, but with what I’ve gone through, I want to feel it. To totally ignore those feelings, and act like I’m not bothered, would be simply dishonest to myself. It would also somehow denote that I didn’t care about (or don’t care about) what’s causing all of this to begin with. And I also feel that to try to get those feelings out in the open too soon might just make me numb to what I should be feeling. Besides, it’s good to feel… it’s even necessary.
And what’s making it all worse, is that I’m still grasping at some sort of hope. It could be simply denial. The way I feel right now, is that I’m going to try to reconcile things. I’m going to hope to appeal to a sense of reason, but I’m not sure if that will even work. I mean, reason didn’t get us to where we are right now!
And see, that appeal is not going to be easy to even do. And that’s not even looking at the results of the appeal. What happens if the appeal isn’t even heard? What happens if it is heard, and things still don’t get any better? Both of those situations will certainly mean that it really is over. And the thought or idea that it really could be over is what has caused me great grief and depression for the past days.
But I have to just try. I want to know. The few people I’ve actually discussed this with all tell me to just forget about it and move on. And part of me believes that’s probably not a bad idea. But a greater part of me feels like that would be quitting or giving up. But is there anything more pathetic than a person who doesn’t know when to quit?
Right now, I have no appetite whatsoever. Since Wednesday, I’ve only eaten 2 small meals. My bet is that I’ve consumed less than 2500 calories in the past 4 days. I’ve also lost 10 pounds in the past 2 weeks or so. I know that it’s not healthy, but I simply cannot make myself eat. As much as I really want to be losing weight, I really hope that this will normalize fairly soon. It won’t be long until energy and efficiency are affected.
BTW, forget Atkins, try depression. It really works!
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