Reflections

I found the following quote, which opens a whole new level of realization.
“The person who cares the least has the most control.” — Anonymous
It’s a totally different topic, but isn’t funny how control issues were causes of some of my anxiety problems? And realization of issues controls the anxiety? And it also helped thinking that someone cared?
Is it another vicious circle? Would I have never had anxiety if I simply didn’t care?
Ehhh… it doesn’t work that way…. but by being circuitous, it still makes sense.

OK… spring is here in name. How about feeling like spring already?
Anyone reading my posts here (and in a couple of other places) for the last couple of weeks knows that I’ve gone through quite a lot recently. I’m still not ready to totally unload “what happened”, but it’ll happen eventually. Everything I’ve learned in the last few years about my anxiety, like not bottling in my emotions, I’m going to ignore for right now.
I mean, even though I’m feeling terrible and depressed right now, these are feelings that I WANT TO BE GOING THROUGH. Sounds confusing, but there’s definitely some truth to it. No, I don’t want to be upset or depressed, but with what I’ve gone through, I want to feel it. To totally ignore those feelings, and act like I’m not bothered, would be simply dishonest to myself. It would also somehow denote that I didn’t care about (or don’t care about) what’s causing all of this to begin with. And I also feel that to try to get those feelings out in the open too soon might just make me numb to what I should be feeling. Besides, it’s good to feel… it’s even necessary.
And what’s making it all worse, is that I’m still grasping at some sort of hope. It could be simply denial. The way I feel right now, is that I’m going to try to reconcile things. I’m going to hope to appeal to a sense of reason, but I’m not sure if that will even work. I mean, reason didn’t get us to where we are right now!
And see, that appeal is not going to be easy to even do. And that’s not even looking at the results of the appeal. What happens if the appeal isn’t even heard? What happens if it is heard, and things still don’t get any better? Both of those situations will certainly mean that it really is over. And the thought or idea that it really could be over is what has caused me great grief and depression for the past days.
But I have to just try. I want to know. The few people I’ve actually discussed this with all tell me to just forget about it and move on. And part of me believes that’s probably not a bad idea. But a greater part of me feels like that would be quitting or giving up. But is there anything more pathetic than a person who doesn’t know when to quit?
Right now, I have no appetite whatsoever. Since Wednesday, I’ve only eaten 2 small meals. My bet is that I’ve consumed less than 2500 calories in the past 4 days. I’ve also lost 10 pounds in the past 2 weeks or so. I know that it’s not healthy, but I simply cannot make myself eat. As much as I really want to be losing weight, I really hope that this will normalize fairly soon. It won’t be long until energy and efficiency are affected.
BTW, forget Atkins, try depression. It really works!

It’s hard to believe that you can know someone for 3 years, spend some time with them one week, and then realize that possibly EVERYTHING you knew about them was a lie.
I’m not going to post what happened here yet, because I’m still in the “finding things out phase”. But just know, that when everything that you believed, everything that made you stronger, and everything you loved isn’t what you believed it is… well, it doesn’t feel all that good. Right now, I’m more shocked than hurt.
I’m sure that I’m going to have to unload more about this when I find it all out.

I’ve finally gotten some really good PS2 news… the Grand Theft Auto series continues… In October, Rockstar Games will release GTA: San Andreas.
Sure, it’s still more than 7 months until the October 19 release date… but I’m admitting that I’m excited about it.
Read a little more here.
(Oh, and as tempting as it may be, don’t grab the flyswatter… you’ll never leave — until you get the screensaver).

I’m there. I’m off. I don’t even want to think about work anytime soon. Except for maybe that trip to Islamorada!!!!

In his first season, we’ve got 10 wins, and have clinched a playoff birth! I surely didn’t expect things to change this rapidly!!! Now, there’s an outside chance that the Cowboys could even win the division and get a first round bye. THAT will be really hard, as the ‘boys would have to defeat New Orleans (which seems awfully likely), and those terrible ‘skins would have to beat the Eagles (I have a really hard time imagining that possiblity).
Tech plays California on the 27th in the Insight Bowl. Just a reminder, UCal beat USC in OT earlier this year. This won’t be an easy game!
We made it (and did it quite well, I might add) through those 3 hell nights of party after party after party. There were 3 late night events in 3 straight nights. A lot of hours to put in after the kids left home. I still have about half a days work left (since I decided to take off today), and then I’ll be on VACATION!!! I’ll be off for nearly 2 weeks before we have to start back again. But then, a mere 5 days later, we’ll be in the Sunny Florida keys.
I’ll have to have the cats boarded while I’m gone. I hope they won’t be too upset with me. Buddy will also get neutered and declawed, so his Christmas won’t be all that fun.