Reflections

Looks like it’s been over 2 weeks since my last post again, huh? That’s OK… a LOT has happened!
Number 1 — I’m an uncle. Early last Sunday morning, Jeremy Blake was brought into the world. He’s healthy, his Mom’s OK, and his Dad is as proud as they come! Click HERE (link no longer active) to see some pictures: I haven’t been able to see him yet, because of Number 2.
Number 2 (appropriately titled?) — Not counting today, I worked 71 hours this past week. That’s in 6 days… that’s almost 12 hours a day for 6 days straight. I needed the rest today, instead of being on the road for 6 – 7 hours… probably a safe choice, too. Choices… I’ll come back to that in a bit.
Number 3 — Got to see m’lady Sheryl Crow again. This time in VA Beach. As usual, I was enamored. There is nothing sexier than a hot, petite lady singing and dancing on a piano! I got a souvenir from this show!! I got the guitarist’s set list! Would have been cool if I could have gotten in autographed, but oh well.
Number 4 — College Football is upon us again! I got to see VA Tech absolutely destroy Arkansas State today 63 – 7. Man, I love this time of year… if it’d only cool off some!
Back to the choices. It’s been a pretty prevalent theme in the past year, that life is all about choices. I’ve heard it in therapy. It was brought up in a Leadership Training Seminar. If you think about it, life really is all about choices.
Say you get stuck in traffic and get angry about that. Did the traffic piss you off? Nope. You chose to be angry about it. If the traffic pissed you off, it would happen every time you were stuck in traffic.
Emotions are mostly choices. You have the choice to be happy, sad, frustrated, or whatever. Well, that’s not always true… there are some chemical reasons for altered moods. Think about that next time someone has you down, or frustrated. You chose to feel that way. With a little time and thought, you can choose to change that.
That also goes with some other changes. You can choose to change almost anything you’d like. With the exception of some dependencies, you can choose to change bad habits. You can choose to change how you deal with people. You can choose to not have work dominate your life. You can choose to not be passive. You can choose to take control where you feel it’s lacking.
Not trying to preach that anything you want can happen, because it’s simply not true. You can choose whatever you want, but you also have to face the consequences of your choices. You can choose to rob a bank, but that doesn’t make it a smart choice. You can choose to not go to work, but you might get fired.
I believe that once you make good choices, you tend to do it more frequently. And then eventually, good things, or change, or whatever you’re looking for can become easier to reach.
As mentioned earlier, this topic was somewhat touched upon in a Leadership Training Session. The real topic was “Courage in Leadership”. The courage part comes in when choosing how to make good choices. But what if you have to make a choice, and it’s between 2 “right” options… that takes courage… I’ll probably try to come back to this topic in a future “Reflection”.
For now, I’m off to bed because there’s no telling how many hours work will hold for me tomorrow!

Coincidence?
This was a horoscope for Gemini for Saturday, August 10:
Right now you could be in the mood to make a change to your career,
Brian. You could feel a little frustrated or limited by the situation in
which you are working. Maybe you will want to think about sending out
some resumes. Or you could ask some colleagues to keep their ears open
about new opportunities. You’ll feel good if you can realize that you do
control your destiny, and you aren’t really trapped!
Where’s the coincidence? Hmmm… lemme just tell you about my day and my wonderful job!!!
It’s that time of year… the beginning of the school year… time for renewal, time for excitement, time for enthusiasm. It’s also time when “raises” go out, and to the deserving directors, bonuses as well. I’m not going to lie — I BUST MY ASS FOR MERIWETHER-GODSEY. I’ve worked so hard and gotten myself so stressed that I literally got sick. I have spent much of the time at my psychiatrist defending my job as something that I enjoy doing. And I even claim that I have been fairly compensated. But you know what? Today was a CROCK OF SHIT!!!
I can understand the fact that I’m not getting a bonus this year. I didn’t quite meet my financial goals. I have some questions about that and how those numbers were reached, but I can accept their determination. But that’s for bonus, meaning “above and beyond” — a reward for exceeding financial goals.
So, how about the yearly raise? How does a 2% increase sound? Sound pretty damned small to you? It sure does to me. We’re given a line that CPI was less than 1% and that we’re being paid in excess of cost of living differences. First of all, where does this number come from? Does it mean that costs of living are less than 1% different than from a year ago? Does this take into account that Northern VA isn’t fucking small ass Chatham, VA? How about this? My rent jumped up a total of 16% this year… Divide that 3 ways, and it’s still over 5% increase.
So, after a year where I busted my ass, trying to make things good or better for myself, I’m given a 2% increase to handle what I’m perceiving as a 5% cost of living increase. Yep, I’m in the hole for the next 12 months, at least.
Where’s the incentive there? I feel as though I can just show up at work and sleepwalk through my job and end up losing money! And don’t give me this “blame the economy” bullshit!! How do you beat an economic downturn? Through spending and investing. I can’t spend because my company isn’t investing in my abilities. Maybe it is time that I started to look around again. I’ve always wanted a computer job. The funny things is… I’m not the only one thinking this way.

It’s been over 2 weeks since I’ve updated AGAIN!!! Shame on me!!!
Here’s what’s going on wit’ me:
I got to see Dave Matthews in concert last week. You probably won’t believe this, but I was disappointed!! It wasn’t the music that disappointed me. It was Dave!! First of all, Nissan Pavilion was PACKED!! It was probably the first legitimate sell-out I’d been to there. We got there later than I would have liked to, but that worked out to our advantage — we parked on the curb outside of the parking lot, which allowed for a speedy exit!
There just might be a future in our youth. I believe that there were more teenagers there than the rest of us. That means 2 things: 1) Today’s teenagers aren’t necessarily “slaves” to the boy-band, MTV-style crap that’s on the radio these days. They still listen to and enjoy good ol’ rock n’ roll, or at least DMB. 2) As we get older, there’ll always be hot, attractive young girls to look at and remember how when we were their age, they ignored us. At least we can look at ’em (as long as our vision holds out, that is).
Speaking of hot, the show took place on one of those 95 degree days, and when packing 30,000 (just a guess, wouldn’t surprise me to be more) people in a bowl, it gets unbearably hot. After a little bit, I had some problems dealing with the heat and my anxiety. So, to enable myself to enjoy the show, I decide to cut off the physical symptoms of anxiety (the heat), by cooling off with some ice. But guess what — it wasn’t cheap! ARAMARK chooses to sell a cup of ice for $4. That’s FOUR FRIGGIN’ DOLLARS for frozen water. Hey ARAMARK, nice display of public service. It’s no wonder that smaller companies like ours are slowly but surely taking over your accounts. WE LISTEN AND ATTEND TO CUSTOMER’s NEEDS!!! Remember that!
So, why did I consider DMB a disappointment? Well he quit playing at 10:30!! I’ve been going to concerts since I was 16 (that’s 14 years to you non-math majors), and not a single concert has ended that early!!! And this is mighty close to Dave’s hometown, you’d think he’d put on a special show for the home crowd!!! But no, I guess he’s getting so big that he’ll take our money, play a couple of hours, and just leave. Guess what, Dave friggin’ Matthews? That ain’t customer service either!!! We pay our money to buy your CD’s, your T-shirts, and your concert tickets. And you decide to cut the show off early? I guess when you get that big, you do whatever you want to do… who cares about us? There’ll be no veiled threat that I’ll boycott his music or shows or anything, because I really do enjoy his music…. but I surely don’t think any more of the man!
The Movies:
I’ve spent some time in the theater lately, and saw 3 pretty good movies. In order of my preference, they were “Austin Powers 3: Goldmember”, “Signs”, and “Minority Report”. All 3 movies were in the good to excellent range.
“Goldmember” was funny as hell. But if it weren’t for all of the cameos, I’m not sure how funny the movie would have been. All I have to say is Danny Devito as Mini-me… that’s fucking funny!!!
“Signs” was advertised to be a scary movie. And it was, but it was more than that. It had a moral — not a “Shallow Hal”-type, be-nice-to-fat-people-moral, but rather a nice, non-preachy (interesting, coincidental choice of words there) moral. It’s a film about Faith!
But my favorite of the 3 was “Minority Report”. What an exciting, action-filled movie which delivered a somewhat surprising ending. You’re led to believe that Tom Cruise’s character is being set-up…. and find out that… well, he’s being set-up, but differently than expected. Trust me, check out this movie and see for yourself. If you’re into the futuristic-type adventure movie, then this is the one to see. I can’t wait for it to hit DVD just to see all of the extras!
Hey, I won flight and hotel stay for 3 nights for 2 people to ANY WHERE in the CONTINENTAL USA!! Is that cool or what? I’m racking my brain figuring out where I’d rather go and stay for free… NYC would be cool!! but I’m thinking of somewhere on the left coast side of the country… Vegas, Seattle, San Diego?? All sound pretty good, right? It’s OK, I’ve got until next July to use them, so I’ve got plenty of time to figure it out!!!
Hopefully, I’ll be better about updating this ol’ thing!
So, why did DMB disappoint me?

I can be long winded, but tonight’s “Reflection” will probably be the first “Reflection” which serves the major purpose of me doing this to begin with. As I mentioned in one of the very first posts, I have a tendency to bottle in feelings and emotions… and that led to me having panic attacks. I also mentioned that I would try to use these “Reflections” as a way to get it all out. Well, look out… here it comes!
Tonight, I had some problems with my anxiety again. Back when this first started happening, it seemed to be a puzzle, trying to figure out why this was happening. But, I’ve learned a lot in the last year and a half. As previously mentioned, I frequently bottle in emotions, particularly anger. I also have a fear of rejection, as well as a dislike for confrontation. So why might I have any kind of problems tonight?
Good Question! Here’s the scoop. Tonight was the Lenny Kravitz show at Nissan Pavilion. The last Kravitz show I saw was great, and I was really looking forward to this one. But, yesterday (Monday), I found out that Shannon would be there. And I really did not want to run into her.
I have not yet mentioned Shannon in Reflections (nor did I ever intend to), but I think that whole topic could be something that I’ve bottled in for way too long. So, here’s some background. I’ve known Shannon since I was in high school. And since the first day I met her, I’ve had a huge crush on her. There was a time in college when I kind of tried to pursue her, but it never really worked out. Basically, she wasn’t interested.
And I could deal with that… but I was still interested in her. I tried to get over her. I even remember specifically praying to God one night that I wasn’t going to keep asking Him to look after her every night, as I had done for so many nights before. But I asked him one more time that even if I didn’t ask every night, that he still look after her anyway.
And I felt so much better… like I had moved on… like my hands were cleaned…
So, we stayed friends. We continued to write each other in college, we’d hang out from time to time during summer breaks. She even organized my “Going Away” party at W-C for when I began my summer internship at B&W. And then I began to feel as though she was using my feelings for her against me.
I can’t cite any specific instances, but there were several times when I’d either feel like she was rubbing it in my face taking advantage of my feelings for her. Like she knew I couldn’t say no to her under any circumstances. And it got to where I’d not look forward to hearing from her or seeing her — because I’d feel bad about myself or sad that she wasn’t interested back. And I began to distance myself from her. And I began to be able to get angry at her for taking advantage of me.
And then she pisses me off for the last time. And in one short quip, I don’t speak to, see, or write to her for over a year. She’d have to know that I was angry if I didn’t even write to her.
And a year later, in a moment of weakness, I crack and send her a short message. Well, when Shannon responded to me, I literally blasted her with a rude, mean-spirited email which I wanted to hurt her, just as she had continually hurt me. I never expected to hear from her again. I had burned all bridges and could not possibly be hurt by her again.
And then the funniest thing happened… she responded. I wasn’t prepared for that. I never saw it coming! And by her taking the guts to respond and later having the maturity to admit fault, the bridge was back. But it was a much weaker bridge. In fact, I still do not want to speak to her on the phone, nor see her in person. I’m not ready to have to deal with her.
So, when I find out that she’s going to be at the Kravitz show, I don’t realize it just then, but it bothered the hell out of me. I so didn’t want to see her and have to deal with her. I’d be afraid that all of the feelings for her that I had spent years trying to distance myself from would come right back. And i’d have to go through it all over again. I cannot and will not let myself go through any of that because of her again. It hurt too much.
So, about 30 minutes before I had to meet Julia to ride out to Nissan, I begin to feel the comings-on of anxiety. I pop some Pepto pills to hopefully soothe my stomach, make sure that I have some water to cool myself off, and ask Julia if I could drive to prevent any of the previous riding problems.
Well, I fought and fought bravely, and came out ahead. I made it to Nissan safe and sound without having to pull over or go through any of the more severe anxiety symptoms. I used the tools I had learned to prevent the escalation of the anxiety: relaxation exercises, breathing exercises, and distraction.
So, all was well for the show, right? Wrong! A little before Lenny came on stage, I began to notice my stomach tightening up… usually one of the first signs of my impending anxiety. I began to sweat as well. I had bought some food to hopefully alleviate any false stomach anxiety feelings (like confusing hunger or general stomach discomfort for anxiety), and I could not eat any of it. Appetite went to zilch. I couldn’t even finish the hard lemonade I had.
Why now? I’m not sure. Maybe by trying so hard not to see Shannon (I intentionally would not look at any redheads so that I wouldn’t find her), that I had worked myself up again. At any rate, I spent a good half an hour calming myself down by the picnic table area away from the concert seats. I didn’t want to even try to go to the seats and have it be either crowded or hot. Well, after some time, I had calmed down enough to go back to our seats and enjoy what was left of the show.
I did something different this time, though. I spoke about it all to Chris. I told him that I had found out that Shannon would be at the show, and that might be some of the source of my anxiety problems. I felt like I had to get it out. I had briefly mentioned it to Julia… but I hadn’t mentioned any of it to Chris. Getting it out had to have helped somewhat.
Luckily, I never ran into Shannon. But, I’m guessing that if she indeed had anything to do with my anxious feelings, then this issue has not been resolved. I’d guess that would mean that eventually I’m going to have to confront her in person. I’m not sure what that would accomplish, since at our present communication level, I don’t feel as if she’s hurting me (but then again, I don’t have positive strong feelings for her either). I still have to figure that all out, I guess.
So… enough emotion for a night? Not quite… Since I caught a ride to the show with Julia ,I really needed to get my stuff from Julia’s car since I was riding home with Chris. Well, we meet at Julia’s car, and a discussion about relationships ensues. And I am made to look like a jack-ass by both Chris and Julia who totally disagree with my cynical view of relationships. And when Julia asks me later if I saw Shannon, I, in my typical deflecting tone, say something to the effect of “Well, did I?”
I often use this tone and sarcastic type of response when I don’t want to deal with the topic at hand. It’s not intentional, but I do realize that I do it. Well, Chris calls me on it. He says something like “Well, just tell her… you either did or didn’t”…. to which I respond, “You guys know me well enough to know what that deflecting tone means”. And it basically ended with me telling them all in the tone that a kindergarten teacher would speak to her class “I don’t want to discuss it”. I felt like more of an ass!
So, I basically just shut my mouth, wouldn’t look at either of them, and stayed in the background. And then the discussion progressed to Julia and one of her current relationships. Chris asks her something about sex, and she responded “That’s more information than Brian needs to know”!
That comment pissed me off!!!! She had used the same exact comment referring to James in previous conversations with me. This might not be apples to apples and oranges to oranges, but I felt like she had just considered me on the same level as James. I was furious!
And then she answered Chris’s question! I was even more furious! It’s too much information for me, but she’ll tell it to someone whom she’s maybe met ten times? Chris isn’t a stranger to her, but why in the fuck would you make the comment that you didn’t want to say anything in front of me, and then volunteer the information to him? Made no fucking sense to me at all.
I felt this big (squinting to look between miniscule amount of space between my thumb and index finger). And at this point, I’d had enough. I didn’t want to talk with any of them, and in fact, was so tired of standing there waiting to leave that I went away from Julia’s car and sat down on the ground next to a traffic divider.
I wouldn’t speak nor even look in their directoin. I was (and am still) STEAMED!!! After a little while, Julia comes over, kneels down next to me and asks me what’s going on? I tell her that I got dizzy (I didn’t) and that I needed to sit down. She suggests that maybe it’s crowds that cause my problems, and I tell her that the last one (the one I “faked”) was because I was angry and kept it in. I told her that I was made to look like a fool for saying what I believed. And she told me, trying to console me, I guess, that it was ok to tell people that I don’t want to discuss something.
A few minutes later, she gives us a ride to Chris’s car, and I don’t tell her thank you or goodnight or anything. I get my stuff out of her car, and set it on the hood of Chris’s car, while I put my CD case back in as well as my sunglasses back into the case. Julia pulls away, and then comes back and tells me that since she had to take Anne (Ann?) back to EHS, that I could ride with her if I wanted. That would have saved Chris the extra distance and time. But at this point, i was so pissed at her, I told her I’d ride with Chris. Again, no thank you, no good night, nothing!
So, in summary, here’s how I feel right now”
1) Disappointed — I go from having no anxiety problems for 10 or 11 months to 2 in about 3 weeks.
2) Anxious — Really didn’t / don’t want to see Shannon
3) Tired — Anxiety wears me out… Staying up until nearly 3 am to “get out” my feelings doesn’t help either.
4) Angry — I’m still angry at Shannon. I’m angry at Chris for helping to make me look like a fool in our discussion. I’m angry at Julia for the same, as well as the indirect comparison to James.
5) Let Down — OK… she doesn’t have to tell me anything. But to say that in front of me… and then do it anyway….
I do have another totally separate topic/emotion/bottled-in feeling that I am aware of. I readily admit it. I’m not sure I’m ready to write about it or necessarily confront it just yet, mainly because I’m not sure what the ramifications of doing so would be. I’m also not necessarily prepared to deal with what they might be either.
I’m going to bed. I’m not sure how I’m going to resolve the Shannon situation. But seeing as I had anxiety problems, I probably feel as though I should address the situation in some mannyer. I will discuss with Julia my anger towrards her tomorrow.
I really need to figure out a way to vent my anger. Maybe going to the gym more often would help. RIght now, I feel as if I’d like to spar with a punching bag, though. But I’m sure I’d just end up breaking down and crying. I don’t see the point in crying though… it’s a temporary release of emoton… but the net effect is zero. The feelings are still there.
Good night!

OH MY GOD!!! That’s all I can say. I had a great time at the Sheryl Crow Show last night! OK, so it wasn’t just Sheryl, it was the “Jeep World Outside Festival”. But it was great!
Let’s see… Train played, as did Tonic (also some band called OAR, as well as Ziggy Marly!). The surprise of the show was a one-man performance by a guy named Howie Day. He used just an acoustic guitar, and had 3 or 4 pedals that records what he’s playing, and then repeats them until he hits the pedal again. So, basically for every song, he’d start out by playing some simple little rhythm riff, and then have it repeat itself. Then he’d “record” either a bass line or some sort of percussive line (either by pick rakes or tapping on the body of the guitar itself). He might have even repeated some vocal lines and let them repeat as well. Eventually, he’d be singing harmony with himself (!), and soloing over his own rhythm, percussion, and bass. How cool! Literally a one man BAND!!! I have since learned that he has his own website at www.howieday.com.
The show also focused on Outdoor doings and sports. There were demonstrations on kayaking, scuba diving, rock climbing, as well as lots of displays of Jeeps and Gibson guitars. But the outdoor highlight was the “aerial show.” There was some sort of ski-jump ramp set up, with an inflated landing area, and there were trampolines set up on either side of the landing area. The guys on the trampolines did various displays of flips, tucks, and jumps, all at incredible heights, and synchronized with each other! One of the guys did a routine with a snowboard strapped to his feet. Ya know all of those tricks that look pretty impossible on video games like SFX? Well, with enough height, they can indeed be pulled off…. truly amazing! And then the guys were hitting the huge ski jump ramp and pulling off flips, double flips, and loads of twists and turns. The finale had the skiers doing their jumps completely synchronized with the trampoline guys! Very sweet!
Have I mentioned the beer and hard lemonade yet? No!?! Three paragraphs about a concert, and no drinking references? Maybe I’m getting soft in my old age! Oh, by the way, contrary to a previous “Reflection” that I made, the tailgate is definitely not dead!! I guess people just don’t tailgate at Alanis shows?!?
So, onto the concert itself… I didn’t even expect Tonic to be there… and they headlined the B stage! Is it better to play 3rd from the end on the main stage or to headline the B stage? I’m not sure about that one yet. Anyway, I don’t think too many people knew who they were until they could hear them come onstage and begin their first song, “If you could only see”. I was surprised that would be their first song instead of their last one. But I guess it served their purpose. As soon as people recognized the tune, people came pouring up the hill to see them perform. And when they finished playing, it was on to the main stage for the rest of the show.
It was time for Train. Lemme just tell you… I’ve seen them perform once (about a year ago). And they are putting on GREAT SHOWS!!! They had the crowd pumped up. I’m betting that a lot of people were there to see them instead of Sheryl (but not me… I can appreciate both of them). They, of course, saved “Drops of Jupiter” until their last song, and in a surprise to me, they came back for an encore. I can’t remember a non-headliner coming back for an encore before. Very cool! But the song they played for an encore? They said it was a song that inspired them to play music. They broke into “Dream On” by Aerosmith! Very Sweet! Their lead singer ever hit the high notes at the end!
And at about 9:30, I knew I was in love. The lights dimmed down, and you could (barely) see some people walking on stage. I could see a petite little figure wearing what looked like a white shirt with some blue stripes walk up and face the drum set. They strummed the intro riff to “Steve McQueen” and stopped. The crowd went nuts! And then they did it again, and then the lights came on, and I could see her in all her beauty. From the first song ’til the last, I was glaring at a beautiful woman playing some rock & roll. I love her music. I adore her voice. And her attitude just seems cool as shit! Sheryl wasn’t just performing because it’s her job, you can tell she loves what she’s doing! She was having fun the whole night, and I don’t think she ever quit smiling the whole time. Between songs, she’d head back to the lift of the drum kit and take sips from a beer (if I weren’t in love before, I was getting there pretty fast). I can’t remember which song it was, but the band seamlessly broke into a cover, for which the drummer sang lead! How cool!
My favorite parts of the show were all Sheryl being cool: She fucked up a chord beginning a song, and asked the audience to applaud her for fucking up! On the “Sheryl Crow & Friends” CD, she would “introduce” the solo with a flirty, fun little “1, 2, Shake your ass…”. Well, she sang it that way at this concert too, and then turned around and proceeded to Shake Her Ass. How cute! Her blue jeans looked like the back pockets were in the shape of strawberries! What a cute, innocent, flirty attitude she has, even in the way she dresses! On more than one occasion, Sheryl would “try” to dance, and within a minute would quit, just to go back playing the guitar or head over to the guitar player or drummer. She even commented that she’s “not Brittany Spears” and couldn’t really dance all that well. It was fairly apparent, that many more than me appreciate a woman who can sing and play (and is gorgeous) just as much as those who “appreciate” Brittany’s lip-synching and dancing “skills”.
As 11:00 came closer, you could just tell that the show was coming to a close. As they finished up the main set, and headed off stage before the encore, you could see the stage crew pushing a piano onto the stage. Sheryl and crew came back out and performed “Safe & Sound” which is not only on her new album, but she also performed on the 9/11 tribute album. In the background, there was a video of babies, smiling and crying, and then pictures of the earth. Not that I needed the visuals, but you could really “feel” what she was singing about. After the round of applause for the song, Sheryl kicked off her black high-healed shoes, and hopped up onto the piano barefooted. She again tried to dance her way through an impressive rendition of Zeppelin’s “Rock and Roll”, all while on top of the piano.
It was something about seeing her kick off her shoes and just having a good ol’ time on top of that piano that made me love her that much more! I was sitting in Row M for all of this show, and had the fortunate circumstances of being able to see her on stage equally as well as looking at the big screen. Man, is she beautiful!!
I’m really looking forward to seeing her perform again in VA Beach in August. I realized that cameras were allowed at Merriweather Post Pavilion, and if they are in VA Beach, I’m gonna take me some pics (and probably post them as well!)! But better news for the August show: I have seats in the Orchestra section!!! I’ll be that much closer to the stage, that much more involved in the show, singing and dancing along to the songs that much more energetically, and that much closer to seeing the beautiful Sheryl Crow.
As you can see above, I got an autograph from Sheryl while at the show! Unfortunately, it wasn’t her signing it in person to me. She is the show headliner, and if she took the time to sign autographs, she’d probably take attention away from the rest of the show, so I definitely understand! But one of these days, I really hope to get the chance to meet Ms. Crow. I can see it now… being so damned nervous and taken by her mere presence and beauty, that I’d be stumbling over my words and sound like a complete idiot! Or worse, I’d have another panic attack and have to remove myself from the situation, only to regret it and kick myself for letting it happen! Either way, it would be alright… I would be able to see the lady up close and maybe even catch a glimpse of her smile…. THAT would be cool regardless of the consequences!

OK? this is the update to Reflections that I didn’t expect to be making. Hell, this reflection is one I never even wanted to be making. At this point, I should be in the air, expecting to land in Detroit in about half an hour.
But I’m not. Instead, I’m drinking some fresh squeezed orange juice from a nearly-neon-orange colored plastic container upstairs from the gate where my flight departed. I tried, I really tried to take that flight. I wasn’t nervous or worrying last night. I wasn’t upset or bothered on the ride to the airport. I wasn’t even anxious or panicky while waiting to board the plane. In fact, my only concern was whether or not I should try to watch ?A Beautiful Mind? on DVD on my computer, or whether the battery would hold up long enough. Or maybe I’d have to turn it off when it got good (hell, I don’t know? maybe it doesn’t get good). But I had no idea that I’d have a mild panic attack.
It was the first panic attack I’d had since last July or August. Yes, that was around 11 months ago. ELEVEN MONTHS!! Hell, I’d done so well, that in all probability, I would be off of all medication in about a month. I really thought that all of this was over with.
So, what happened? I guess since I haven’t taken the time to put in a “Reflection” of my panic attacks, I’ll describe it more than I normally would. I will at some point, copy my reflections of the initial panic attacks onto the site.
Today’s was mild – but it was a panic attack nonetheless. When I sat down in my seat on the plane, I immediately turned on the cool air to aim at my face. That’s just habit. I always have the A/C or fan going, I always have a window cracked when in the car. I also thought that the light coming in through the little window was awfully bright, so I closed the little window shade. I was still all right at this point.
I felt a little cramped. I had an empty seat next to me, so I shouldn’t have felt too cramped. So, I leaned the seat back a little bit. I was expecting the flight attendant to ask me to move it back into the “upright position” before takeoff? but even if she did, I could lean it back if I needed more space. I was still not expecting any sort of anxiety attack.
And then it hit me? I begin to sweat profusely. I began to feel claustrophobic. I began to feel as if I had to use the bathroom. I knew that there was nothing to worry about ? that these were pretty much “fake feelings”. In reality, I had plenty of space. I would have cooled off if I gave it a chance. And I knew I didn’t need to use the restroom ? I had gone about 30 minutes before boarding. I knew this was the onset of a panic attack.
I tried my relaxation exercises. I even tried breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth ? that had been one of the most relieving exercises in past anxious situations. But nothing helped. And then panic set in. When the flight attendant walked by, I told her that I had an anxiety/panic disorder, and that I felt a panic attack coming on. And I asked her if I could get off the plane. Thankfully (at least for then), she let me do so? they hadn’t closed the door to the plane, and as I got off, the guy who was loading the luggage asked me if I was OK. I told him the same thing I told the flight attendant, and he immediately asked her to give me some water. He tried to assure me that the plane was safe and that he had these problems too.
It was about this time, that I began to get light headed. Sweat was pouring off of my head, and my arms and legs were soaked. I knelt over, and braced myself in case I would black out, and let the breeze cool me off (at least a little). And then the guy asks me what I wanted to do, and that they needed to know something soon. I told him that I couldn’t take the flight. And he “escorted” me back to the gate.
All of the airline people have been very helpful. My guess is that they deal with these situations from time to time and know how to help us out. I’m booked to try again at 12:55. But this time, I’m gonna take some Xanax beforehand. That should get me there. We’ll see, I guess.
Now, it?s time to figure out why this happened. In therapy, I’ve learned to try to look beyond the physical feelings of the situation, and to look more at the emotional feelings. What was I feeling? Why might I have been feeling that way? That’s what I’m trying to do now.
Right now, I’m disappointed. I had tried so hard to get over this problem. I’ve gone for so long without any problems that I was under the false assumption that I was “cured”. Obviously not. I really wanted to be taken off of all of the anti-depressants. I’d been weaned down to one pill a day (from triple that dosage a mere 4 to 5 months ago), and was within a month of being totally taken off of it. I’m not sure about that anymore.
Right now, I’m angry at myself. Maybe it was beyond my control. If so, then anger isn’t gonna help things. That goes back to control issues. If you can’t control it, let it go? it’s a waste of time, energy, effort, and emotion worrying about things you can’t control. I’m angry at myself for not sticking in there longer and fighting it. I knew that all of those “symptoms” were pretty much figments of my imagination — that I could control them ? that calming myself down would probably make them go away. But I chose to flee the situation. I feel kind of cowardly, and I’m upset that I didn’t try harder, and that I wasn’t more patient with the situation.
But what was I feeling when it happened? Well, I wasn’t stressed? I’m on vacation. I wasn’t feeling lonely? I was on the way to see a good friend of mine. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t hurt, I was content. I was looking forward to having a great time in Detroit. I honestly cannot think of any negative emotion that was happening that would lead to me having a panic attack.
In therapy, we’ve tried to figure out what it is in my life that leads me to feel trapped or closed in. These attacks are supposedly a personification of those feelings. And again, I am stumped. I was taking this trip of my own free will. I had worked hard to ensure that I had the time off from work. I have done everything I needed to do to make sure that I could (can) take this trip. I really cannot figure out why I had this attack.
I’m not afraid of flying. I’ve flown plenty of times. I’ve even flown under more crowded circumstances. Safety is most definitely NOT a concern of mine. I am aware how safe flights are, and I have never had to deal with a flight that seemed even remotely unsafe or uncomfortable. I just don’t get it.
I mentioned that I was upset for ?failing?. Here?s how I’m going to circumvent that: I’m going to successfully take that 12:55 flight. I am going to take some Xanax, to make sure that I can do it, but I am not going to deny myself the vacation, good time, and rest that I have worked so hard for. Part of me wants to just sit at home and do nothing, instead of trying this. And if I cannot do it, that’ll be the end result. But that?s only a small part of me wanting that. I really want to, therefore, I really will do it!
I wonder if I got so used to not having problems that I didn’t appropriately prepare myself for this flight. When I flew in January, I did several things to make sure that I could handle the flight: I ate, but didn’t eat too much, so that I wouldn’t confuse an upset stomach with anxiety. I had medicine if I needed it. I took a flight at a time where I knew the plane wouldn’t be as crowded. I spoke to the airline attendant to make sure that I’d still have space. I had run through the scenarios in my mind as to how I’d handle them if they came up.
Was I too complacent? Will I ever be able to not have to worry about or prepare for these kinds of situations? I’m not sure. I do now realize, however, that my anxiety disorder will never be done and over with? I’m guessing for the rest of my life, I’ll have to consider options in dealing with anxiety. Probably, this will be only for major events. I can see it now? I’ll have to be married in a small, quick ceremony? or maybe something where I can’t be embarrassed (justice of the peace?)??. Naaaaahhhhh?. Let?s hope it doesn’t come to that!
By now, I would have been on the ground for about a half an hour. I’d have no worries until Sunday, when I’d have to do it again?. But I’d know that on Sunday, that I should prepare for the return trip (Xanax).
Like I said, I’m going to try this trip this afternoon. I’m already preparing for it!

• Pills will be popped in about an hour!
• I’ll take bottled water on with me in case I need to cool off.
• I’ll ask very early for a seat with as much space as possible.
• Hopefully, I’ll sit on the aisle with an empty seat beside me — that will make it seem like I have more space (as opposed to having the side of the plane being up against me) — the aisle on the exit row would be even better!
• I’ll buy something to read ? distraction is a great thing?. If only I could use the computer or Pocket PC for that time around takeoff
• I hope to be able to sleep on the plane (the Xanax should help with that) — if not, I’ll be on the computer once I’m allowed to.

Questions for the future:

• Do I need to stay on medication full time, if I only experience anxiety under “special circumstances”?
• How much worse would this have been without having been on Zoloft?
• Did I have no problems with the January flight because I was on a higher dosage of Zoloft?
• Should I only take anti-depressant when I need it (i.e. before taking a flight, or before doing something I know or suspect to be extremely stressful)?
• Am I trying to medicate a problem that doesn’t need to be medicated?
• Should I try harder to work through this?

Hopefully, the next “Reflection” will be written in July, once I’m back from Detroit. Hopefully, I’ll come back rested, relaxed, and have at least a little bit of sun.
But, if for some reason, I can’t make it, I’m not gonna beat myself up over it. These kinds of things happen to lots of people. And as hard as I have worked at this, I have still come a LONG WAY from that trip to Tampa. There’ll just be more work to do– and I’ve never been afraid of hard work.