March 2003 Archives

So... here are the players:

• There's me


• Angela works for me. She's also my friend.


• Erin is Angela's roommate.

Here's some backstory:
Angela just recently moved into a new apartment with her new roommate Erin. Erin is a cute, petite little redhead. Erin is just the type of girl who I normally find attractive. Just about everyone who really knows me knows "my type."

Angela and I work together anywhere from 4-5 days per week. She's dedicated to her work and very caring towards our employees. Since we spend plenty of time around each other, we both just naturallly discuss whatever's going on in our lives. Like I said, we're friends.

Angela, Erin, and I have also hung out a few times together. All of these situations have centered around having a drink or going to a party. I feel as if we've all had fun together, and that there's been no real problems in that dynamic (well, except for maybe getting left behind in Georgetown).

Anyways, I do find Erin attractive and have mentioned it to Angela a few times. Being my normal pessimistic (is it pessimist or realist?) self, I never thought that it was possible that Erin might be interested in me. BUT, we do have fun when we hang out.

So, here's what happened this weekend:
Angela invited me to a house-warming party that she and her roommate threw this past Saturday. I went and had a decent time. Up until it got late, I really didn't talk to too many people, mainly because I didn't know that many of the people there. But, I was enjoying myself and had a few beers. I did speak to Angela for a while, and only sporadically with Erin. Erin seemed to be spending the majority of her time entertaining her sisters and the guests with whom she works. Oh yeah, she also spent a good little amount of time chatting with "Kip", the guy she's sort of seeing.

Well, it seemed like all at once, all of Erin's workmates left, and about an hour later, Kip and pals left. Erin then began paying attention to me. I don't know if she only was interested in me because the others were gone, or if she no longer needed to be a gracious host, or what. But we hung out and talked for a good little bit.

She asked me to go out on their balcony with her while she smoked, and I didn't go. So when she returned she asked me to fix her a drink and I did. Eventually, Angela's friends from Norfolk arrived and we all began to play a drinking game. After the first round, people needed to refresh their drinks and smoke. Erin asked me to come outside with her while she smoked, and this time I did go out. I "leaned up against the balcony rail" next to her and chatted with her while she smoked. And then Erin literally ducked under my arms eased her way into my arms.

We continued chatting, and she was either fishing for compliments or is really insecure about being a redhead with freckles. Obviously, I don't find redheads with freckles unattractive, and continued to tell her that. I DIDN'T mention to her that I absolutely love redheads. Anyway, at some point in our chat, she kissed me on the cheek. And we chatted some more. And then she wanted to go back inside (it was getting cold, and we wanted another drink). So she kissed me on the cheek again. And I told her that if she kissed me "for real", I'd fix her another drink. And then we kissed. It was nice, but I didn't try to force her into anything, and didn't even try to french kiss her.

All of the time we were outside, the rest of the party had gone back inside and were playing cards again. I really didn't want to do too much more drinking because I had to drive home, so I didn't try to get back into the game. Erin and I chatted some more and eventually went back outside for her to smoke again. This time, I wrapped my arms around her and didn't even try to kiss her. Apparently we stayed out there chatting for about 25 minutes or so, and then came back in. I think I fixed her a final drink and sat down on a chair. She works herself into the same chair as me (and again manages to get my arm around her), and slowly passes out.

After a little bit of just sitting there with her asleep on my chest, I realize that it's after 4 in the morning. I get up to go to the bathroom, and then get ready to leave. And then ...

And then, Angela confronts me. She tells me that I only want to leave because Erin had passed out. And that she felt that I didn't want to be hanging around her or her friends. I assured her that wasn't the case. And I walk outside into the hallway with Angela... and then things got wierd.

Angela starts to tell me that she believed I only came over to their party to see Erin. And then she started rambling...

She said something about "maybe it's because we spend so much time around each other", and that "I'm her boss". And she kind of continued to chastise me about hanging out with Erin, and that we were friends. She mentioned that she's told Erin about me being semi-interested in her. And Angela got wierd saying that she had had wierd dreams about me for the past 3 nights... And then she asks me not to sleep with her roommate, that it would be too awkward. This reallly wierded me out. She then asks that things not be awkward at work on Monday. I tell her that it will only be awkward if she lets it get awkward.

Here are my questions:

• I really am attracted to Erin, but wonder if her "attraction for me" that night was alcohol induced or a matter of convenience or genuine?


• How can I know how Erin feels if Angela's going to feel awkward about it?


• I feel as if Angela likes me and is jealous that I'm interested in Erin... is that right?


• Am I an insensitive bad friend if I do try to pursue Erin?


• or Is Angela selfish by asking me not to pursue Erin?

I don't want to hurt Angela... she is my friend.... AND I have to work with her. BUT, I'd really like to find out what's behind Erin's actions at her party... if she's interested. And if she is, I'd like to get to know her better and see if we could get along. What can I do?

I'll try to update this later tonight, but right now, I'm confused as hell! And it has everything to do with women?

Stay tuned to be confused by a relatively interesting story about Erin, and her roommate Angela. Oh yeah, Angela works for me... Intrigued yet?

Quick one tonight...

It finally was warm enough to take the top down...

Damn I love my Mustang Convertible!!!

I hope it stays Spring or Summer for a LONG TIME!

This story actually goes back a few months, not that I ever knew about it....

So, Trevor comes up to me slightly before Christmas, and tells me that he sat down and had a conversation with one of the students at the Seminary, and that she commented that she was wondering why I had never asked her out. He tells me that Sarah Councell had mentioned it during dinner one night. So, instantly I got to thinking about it... Sarah Councell really isn't my type.... but if I didn't try, would I be limiting myself? Don't get me wrong, Sarah Councell is a cute girl, who is very nice and very sweet. But maybe TOO nice. Anyway, since I'm not at the Seminary all that often anymore, the thought soon disappeared from my mind.

But within the past few weeks, the situation has resurfaced and with a twist. A very interesting twist, I have to say. Let's just say that I've figured out that Trevor isn't exactly the best at keeping names straight... He's confused a couple of times Sarah Councell, with Sarah Wood.

So, a few weeks back, I was talking to Roberta, who is very good friends with both Sarah Councell and Sarah Wood, and I make a joking comment about taking out her friend Sarah because she wanted me to take her out. And then, since Trevor was in my office at the same time, I asked Roberta which Sarah that Trevor meant. Well, it's Sarah Wood, not Sarah Councell.

So, Sarah Wood might be interested, huh? Different story. Sarah Wood is drop dead gorgeous! And she wonders why I hadn't asked her out? Ummm... because she's out of my league... she's too pretty to be interested in me! But in this situation, I simply cannot miss the chance to take her out. Although I haven't had extended conversations with her, she has always seemed to be awfully sweet, and nice. She goes to the Seminary, so she has to be smart, AND I assume that since she's at the Seminary, she has to be morally the type of girl I like. At any rate, I have promised myself that I will try to take her out for a date, and see if things seem right.

BUT, there's been a slight problem... I haven't really caught her by herself to talk to her or ask her out. And I'm shy. And again, she's out of my league.

So tonight, since we're on Spring Break at EHS, I go to the Seminary to have dinner. And as I grab my tray, and enter the dining room, I notice that there's an empty seat beside Sarah Wood. She noticed me, and I set my tray down next to her and ate my dinner.

We had some nice conversation going on... mostly chit chat, but still more than what I've been able to muster up before (I really do kind of get nervous in her presence... I'm such a geek). Well, she definitely seemed interested, and all seemed well...

... until another Seminary student got in the way... This girl grabs a chair and practically wedges it between Sarah and me. She had no interest that I was in a conversation with her or anything. I politely told the girl that I would move over so she could talk to Sarah. And then Sarah seemed to get quieter, and after a few minutes, they both got up and left. Kinda weird if you ask me... And another detail that I find somewhat ammusing? The "other girl" was wearing a red, long coat and a hat... she looked like... like Mary Tyler Moore... so from here on out, I'll always call her MTM.... She might just make it after all?!?

So, since Trevor and Angela were both there, and they both don't believe she was giving a "rescue signal", I'm not overly worried. I still think that I can get her to go out with me. But I'm still slightly confused as to why the girl rudely did what she did... if it was a test, I think I did the right thing -- I remained a gentleman the whole time.

Anyways, I'm still gearing up at the opportunity to take Sarah out on a date!!

You know how your mother told you that she was worried sick? And you just thought, "whatever"? Well, I totally believe that I have worried myself sick. If you notice at the end of each post, I list my mood. I couldn't pick one that encompasses my mood right now.

I feel mentally exhausted. I feel sick. I feel angry. I feel depressed. I feel sad. I feel aggravated. I feel annoyed. I feel apathetic. I feel confused, cranky, crappy, and crazy. I feel crushed, cynical, and disappointed. I feel discontent, enraged, and frustrated. I feel gloomy, groggy, grumpy, and indifferent, not to mention infuriated, irate, and irritated. I also feel lethargic, lonely, and melancholy.

Oh, in addition, I'm nauseated, numb, pessimistic, and pissed off. I feel rejected, restless, and shocked. I'm also sick, sleepy, sore, and stressed. Don't forget tired, uncomfortable, weird, and worried.

Basically, I don't know how I feel, but I don't feel good.

It seems ever since Angela told me that she convinced Erin that it would bother her if I went out with Erin, I haven't known what to think. So, all of the above emotions have turned inside of my stomach until I reached a point where I literally got sick.

Right now, I'm feel like a Brunswick Stew of Bad Emotions!

Here's what I'm really thinking: Angela, who the hell do you think you are? Why can't you worry about whatever you need to worry about and leave me the fuck alone! I'm supposed to give a shit if you get "uncomfortable" when I'm around your roommate? Fuck you!

I'm tired of being Mr. Nice Guy. I don't feel as if I'm being the selfish one here. It's you! And since I'm trying to avoid getting you upset, I've worried myself sick. How does that make you feel? Uncomfortable? Good! Because you don't know shit! Right now, I don't care how you feel. You're supposed to be my friend? Friends don't make each other sick! You're too busy worried that you're going to feel "uncomfortable". Goody for you.

Do you even care that I'm upset? Or sick? Or that I could even be happy if you'd just get over your "un comfortableness"? Hell no, because you're too damn conceited! You're only thinking about yourself right now!

So, here's were I'm going to take control of the situation. I'm going to pursue Erin anyway. I don't care how you feel, because you surely don't care how I feel. And ya know what? If it doesn't work out, then at least I TRIED!! So, stay our of it!

But you know what? I had a good time with Erin last weekend. And we might just have fun together again. I am interested in her. And for at least that night, she was interested in me. I can't speak for her right now, and I can't guarantee that we'll ever get that close again. But I cannot go without trying. And I don't give a damn how it makes you feel, and I don't give a damn what you think about it.

Ok... here goes... The biggest reason I even have "Reflections" on my web page is to help me with my anxiety problems. My doctor and I have discovered that some of my Anxiety Attacks can be cause by bottling up my thoughts and emotions, not letting it out. Sure, that sounds minor, but in my case, it led to panic attacks and minor social disfunction. So, I decided to write Reflections from time to time to get out my feelings and thoughts.

But, what's the cost of doing that?

When I post my feelings on the internet, they're out there for anyone to find and read. Anyone can see how I feel, what I did, or what I said. The biggest problem, is that feelings are usually centered around other people. So, when I decide to emote, I'm also putting other people out there on the internet for all to see.

Is that right? Well, yes and no. How I feel is how I feel. No one can take that away from me. My feelings are not wrong... they're mine! BUT, is it fair to have the person for whom I have feelings posted on the internet? Is it fair to discuss situations with other people in a public forum without their consent? Can any harm come from any of this? Who knows?

Well, a situation has presented itself...

I'm not going to get into it, because I don't even want this person to be acknowledged (but HE can sure as hell feel free to respond by clicking on the "Comment on this" link at the end of this post). But basically, someone is thinking about using my posts AGAINST a person to whom I've referred. Is it fair? Hell no, it isn't! This person didn't condone, endorse, or even know about my post. The whole reason for my posting was to emote... to get out the feelings I had withheld, NOT to spread situations involving other people.

I've learned that you can't worry about what you cannot control. And I've learned that there are many things you cannot control. BUT, I truly believe that REASON should always supercede EMOTION. If you step out of any situation, and look at the REASON behind any action, it usually makes any kind of decision easier to make.

Think about that, J!!

BTW, I can think about three different J's my message applies to... so, killing more than 1 bird with this stone? Maybe...